HumanKIND?

I don't want to get into a debate, so please just move on if you want to argue. I have had so many thoughts swirling in my head about all the gun stuff..... so. many. thoughts. I can't get them all out, but the one thing I keep thinking on this morning is the passage from Luke where Peter is ready to defend himself, Jesus, and the the whole crew, and he cuts off the ear of the chief priest's servant, and Jesus is like, "What the heck, Pete? STOP." And then Jesus HEALS HIM. Right then and there, He restored him and fixed the guy's ear.....and then let himself be arrested and killed.

This picture of Jesus is what I keep thinking about this morning. Peaceful restoration. For me, I will always be about PEACEFUL RESTORATION. I could never take the life of another person. I just don't think I could do it - no matter the situation. (I've, of course, never been in a situation like that so I guess I really don't know but this is my gut feeling on it.) And it really bothers me when people talk about their right to own a weapon in case they might need to KILL OTHER HUMANS. That's just awful. How did we get to this point? Humankind is not kind, and I hate that so much. I will forever live to bring LIFE to other humans, and to bring kindness back to humankind. I will love my precious family, and my sweet students, and I will do all I can to bring life and joy to their lives. I will fight like hell to protect them all, but I will never think so highly of myself that I would think it's my right to take another's life.

Fellow humans.....let's strive to bring the kindness back to humankind! Peace and love.

Silent No More

My mind is whirling around today about the latest horrible things that have been revealed to come out of the mouth of Donald Trump. I can’t even believe I have had to think about the possibility of this man being elected to the highest position of the land for the past year – that our country is still considering electing such a person.

I am a mother of 2 beautiful girls….their hearts are beautiful and they are the most precious gifts I have ever been given.  Their beauty is evident – and yet, even at age 13 and age 9 ½ they wonder if they are beautiful.  Why? 

I’m certain I have failed on many levels instilling confidence in them because of my own lack of confidence.  I know that I am partly to blame, and I want to do all I can to remedy that.  But I am also angry at the culture that has seeped its black wiry tentacles into the minds and hearts of women & girls telling us our worth and beauty is determined by what men think of us.  And yet, my confidence is boosted when I may overhear a stranger comment on my own beauty.  How can I have both of these feelings?  I hate it.  I am embarrassed to say that I feel both boosted and horrified at a catcall.  Am I the only one?  Can other women understand?  How do we loosen the wiry strands and break free?

I’m certain there are many ways – but one way is to STAND UP against people of power like Donald Trump who weakly apologize for demeaning women.  It is NOT ok to talk like that.  It is NOT ok to dismiss it as “guy talk.”  No, it should NEVER be guy talk.  To excuse this talk and behavior is unacceptable.

What’s crazy is that I’ve even seen women excusing/dismissing this latest revelation of atrocious behavior….that most guys talk like that sometimes.  (Ummm….No.  None of the men close to me speak that way – and they never would.)  What does it say about the precious hearts of women that they can dismiss the raunchy things that are said about women?  Please, dear sisters, don’t excuse this kind of talk from anyone!  I cannot understand how anyone could dismiss this from any man, let alone a man who is seeking the most powerful position in the world.  How can anyone who has a daughter, sister, or for Pete’s sake a mother, continue to support this man?  I am just completely baffled. 

Electing a man like Donald Trump is sure to perpetuate the culture that I hate.  A culture that thinks it’s just normal for men to speak of women like they are objects.  A culture that continues to make young girls question their beauty.  A culture that demeans and devalues other humans.  I cannot be silent any longer. 

Sisters, let’s build each other up.  Let’s celebrate each other’s beauty without competition.  Let’s stand up for one another – for our daughters, for our nieces, for our aunts, our mothers, our grandmothers.  Let’s not stand by and allow our sisters to be spoken of like objects made only for the pleasure of a man.  No more. 

Where I'm supposed to be....

I got a sub for my 6th graders today because I felt horrible yesterday, and both of the girls have not been up to par.  Snot galore and sore throats.  I woke this morning actually feeling better than yesterday, so I've already gotten a load of laundry done, dishes done and kitchen cleaned up, fall candles burning and now I'm blogging.  What?!  I've been doing lots of thinking this morning.....about my new job, my old job (at Johnson), and questioning things.  I'm missing my job at Johnson again because I miss the days when my life was much easier.  When the girls were sick, I could work from home and still stay caught up on things.  Now, it takes a week to catch up if I have to get a sub for one day!  Teaching is HARD work.  I make less money and work a lot more.  Twelve hour + days are normal.  And days like today just makes me question all of it.  But as I was folding laundry this morning, it seemed as if the Spirit spoke...."you didn't realize your need for Me when life was easy."  I definitely see Truth in that.  And it certainly seems I can't deny the hand of God in my current situation.  
I was hired at CMS the day before students arrived.  Here's that story....  I applied for 2 positions at CMS - both of which I wasn't yet qualified to teach because I hadn't taken my middle school Praxis yet.  I applied anyway, hoping I'd pass my test the next week.  I took the test on August 5....and passed!  Then, on Tuesday August 6th, Mr. Derrick called me for an interview the following day.  I had not emailed him or anything....only applied for those 2 positions.  So, to get a call out of the blue was really quite amazing.....it just doesn't seem to happen if you don't "know" somebody.  I knew no one at Carter.  I went in for the interview on Wednesday, and it was the BEST interview I'd ever had.  I felt completely at ease, confident and comfortable....and I loved the administration.  None of my other interviews had ever gone so smoothly.  It was obvious that these people cared about kids.  I left that interview feeling very good about it (even found out they had a volleyball team that I could coach!) and headed to my second interview of the day at SDMS.  (I feel the Lord set that interview up just so that CMS would be proactive about offering me a job!)  That interview was lame....nothing felt right about it, but it made me feel confident that CMS is where I wanted to be if I were offered a position.  By lunch, I got a call from CMS asking me to apply for the 6th grade math position....that they wanted me for the job!  Amazing.  So I went back the next day to meet the staff, start on my room and prepare for kids the NEXT day.  
All this to say....it sure seems that God made a way for me to be where I am.  And while I really do enjoy teaching 6th grade math, there is still a part of me that really misses the ease of my Johnson job.  But had I not pursued the "call" to teach, I would have missed out on all the ways God has provided and met every one of my needs in the process.  I am constantly relying on His strength to get me through most days.....I am still not relying on Him enough and trying to do things on my own strength, but I do realize my need for Him more as a teacher. So I guess I'm writing all this to help myself realize that I am where I need to be right now.  Yes, it's hard.  Yes, I miss my easy job.  But, I am better able to see God's faithfulness where I am. He is faithful when we are not.  He is constant and never changing.  He is my rock.  I will trust Him to be my strength and show me how I am to love and care for my sweet 6th graders.  I do love my students.  I will trust Him to guide me in how I am to raise my girls and how to be an example of His love for them.  I will trust Him to lead me in loving and supporting my amazing husband as he goes through school to become a P.A. (that's for another blog).  And I will trust, that in all of this, He will use me to point people to Jesus.  And that His Spirit will....
"lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made strongerIn the presence of my Savior" -Hillsong United "Oceans"   

Anger and questions...

I haven't posted anything in a looooooong time....I nearly forgot I had a blog.  So I may start up again....I'll catch you up on our lives later....today I just wanted to write about some fierce anger and questions that I've been wrestling with lately.  I'm generally not an angry person at all....it takes a lot to make me mad.  But today was different...  I was wasting time on fb and noticed that several people were posting on a college friend's timeline that they were sorry and were praying for her.  So I wanted to find out what was going on....she lost her baby in utero when her due date was only two weeks away.  I can't even imagine.  She will deliver her dead son today.  Hard to swallow that down isn't it?  It's horrible.  It makes me so angry!  Why does crap like that happen????  And I've come to hate the phrase, "God is in control".....  Really?! God is in control of unbelievable heartache?  I don't want to believe in that God.  God is in control of divorce, depression, hatred, racism, death, human trafficking, suffering, oppression?????  Is He??  How can that be?  I believe in a loving, self-sacrificing God....and I love Jesus and believe Him to be the Savior of the world.....but I cannot, for the life of me, believe that my God is in control of,  or making evil happen.  That doesn't make sense. And those words of God being in control are not comforting to those going through heartache.  Yes, I believe God can use any situation to mold us....but is God making heartache happen, controlling every human act of sin and evil? Where is the line between God's sovereignty and man's free will?

My husband likened God's sovereignty to that of a King over a Kingdom. That while a King "rules" the Kingdom, he does not determine all that happens within it.  That makes much more sense to me.  But it still doesn't answer that question of why bad things happen, or what to do with all this earthly heartache.  I guess my anger has subsided a bit with writing this all out....now the question in my head is "how do you provide hope to the hurting and those who are heartbroken?".  Especially if they do not have faith in God.  What do we do??

interesting dream

i generally have quite vivid dreams....but it's been awhile since i've had one i remembered so well and this one seemed worth sharing. any dream interpreters out there, feel free to share some insight....
most of the dream took place in some form of water. initially, i was at a lake with a lot of people. some i knew, but most i didn't know well. and the group of people i was with sort of gave me an uneasy feeling....like i didn't quite trust them. later we were all at a pool and i was trying to help save people; but there were these "eel ladies" and i don't know who they were, but they were trying to pull people under...trying to pull me under, and i was fighting them...and they weren't really eels, just ladies, but they were in all black, so i call them eel ladies. and there was a guy i was trying to help - maybe dustin, but i can't say for sure - and i would dive down deep in the water to try to free him from the eel ladies (who apparently could hold their breath for a super long time). anyhow, i came up out of the water to get a breath, and i got out of the pool with an eel lady right behind me. and i went to put my foot back in the pool to try to save the guy again, and the eel lady started yelling, "she's not clean! she's not clean! and she's trying to get in the pool!" so i was frantic now....i didn't know how to "get clean" to try to save him. so i was running alongside the pool trying to figure out how to "get clean". and then i noticed the unassuming "savior". he had been "there" all along in my dream, but i didn't really SEE him until that moment. he was a very overweight guy, with tattoos all over his chest and back. and he was gentle and caring. and a long line of people were coming to him....and as soon as they touched him, they were clean and their clothes turned to a bright white. so i clung to his back with my arms around his neck....he was huge, so it was like it didn't phase him at all. he welcomed me. and as i clung to him and watched all the children (there were tons of kids coming to him) and others coming to him, i began to reach out and help them come into the water too. and because i was touching him, when i touched others, it made them white. and there was an older black woman who i helped into the pool and she gave me a necklace for some reason. and later as i was helping a child into the water, she pointed at the necklace around my neck...it was the only thing of color on me now...and it was just a pink and purple plastic gem necklace - like what a kid would make - on a string of fishing line. and she asked me why it still had color. and i didn't know. so i looked to the savior guy for an answer and he said it was given to me by someone who wanted to kill me.....in the second movie of the series. (so apparently i was an actor in a movie or something? and there's gonna be a sequel, i guess.)

what an interesting dream.

living for something worth dying for

today is a sad day for many people who are grieving the death of cheryl beckett. cheryl worked as a humanitarian in afghanistan and was among the group of aid workers who were killed on friday. cheryl was the daughter of charles & mary beckett, who minister at woodlawn christian church where dustin and i used to attend. it's so unreal to think that i have talked to a true martyr for Christ. cheryl indeed lived to serve others and to point people to Jesus.

although i did not know cheryl on a personal level, i cannot stop thinking about her and her sweet family. tears flow easily as i think about her horrific death and the obvious pain and suffering her family is going through right now. i am sure her family is so incredibly proud of her and the beautiful, selfless life of service that she lived.

i also cannot stop thinking that she at least was living for something worth dying for. and it makes me ask the question, "am i living for something worth dying for?" am i doing all that i can to serve others and to point them to Jesus every day? or am i more concerned about myself....more concerned with being safe and comfortable....more concerned with the "injustices" done to me rather than standing up for the injustice of poor and hungry people all around me? i don't think Jesus died on the cross so that i can live a safe, comfortable "american dream" sort of life while thousands of people around the world deal with real oppression and suffering. it makes me angry at myself for getting caught up in the ridiculous culture of america. i want to live for something worth dying for. i want to have a heart that yearns for true justice and shalom. i want to serve others out of love and compassion, not out of guilt or obligation. God, give me a heart like Yours. God, give me a vision for what You want me to do to fight injustice and serve those in need.

FREEDOM!!!!

i had my appointment with dr. rappe' yesterday and i am thrilled to say that it could not have gone any better!! my x-rays looked really good....he showed them to us and you could only see a very faint line where the graft is. so it has healed perfectly (praise to God!) and i finally get to drive again and start adding weight to it!! it will be a 3-4 week process of gradually getting off the crutches. while i wish i could burn my crutches right now, i know i couldn't walk b/c my leg is too weak....but i can see the light at the end of the tunnel. although a "destroy my crutches" party sounds like a good idea....maybe i'll get to planning that.

it's been 8 weeks today since my surgery....like life, it seems like it's been forever ago and yesterday all at the same time. overall, the process has been easier than i expected. but i'm so ready to be able to hold my precious girls and carry them again; serve my dear hubby instead of him serving me constantly; do laundry, carry a drink or plate, go grocery shopping w/o the battery operated cart that always dies in the middle of the trip; and eventually.....run, jump on the trampoline with my girls, go camping, play volleyball.....oh, i can't wait!! it's still gonna be a process, but i feel ready to tackle it all and i'm just excited about life.

thank you God for your grace and for the lessons i'm learning through this process.